A Survival Course Trip To Kenya

Peter Gravy’s investigative tour of Kenya for ‘Upyawz News’.

Old Customs House, La Perouse, Botany Bay, New South Wales, ca. 1935, 1 / E.W. Searle

Hi all, Gravy here. ‘Upyawz News’ sent me to Kenya for a ‘survival course’ with Bear Grylls, so Ken you, or ya, put up your feet for a tick, (ticks so bad here in Africa ‘feet up’ is compulsory). I left Australia in an early DC 9. Don’t like flying in a late DC 9 as they have lousy headlights. Gosh! the cargo holds in these birds- to say the least-is un- bumable.

My luggage consisted of ‘survival gear’. A copy of ‘umpteen shades of grey’, Womans Day edition of Hemingway’s novels ‘How i held a bar up’ , ‘The old man and the Sea’, and ‘ See! women are the superior species and don’t you male turkeys forget it, gobble- gobble’. My lunch box contained one turkey sandwich, minus gobble, band-aids, and a sharp knife i found in a hoodlum’s stomach in downtown Hollywood. One deceased belly button…and a jar of vegemite.

We flew nor- by- nor east via America. Then it happened. A giant democratic eagle flying home from the recent election crashed headfirst through the front window. I knew it was a democratic eagle because it landed in the pilot’s lap and squawked-“o Bumma”. Biggles acted promptly as the pressure dropped. He took the silver bird down lower than a politician’s promise. Near underground.

I put band-aids on the eagle’s wings, pushed it back out the window,it dropped like a stone. Maybe i shouldn’t have used so many band-aids but the majestic symbol of U. S. A managed to break free…got caught in an updraft and crashed back through the window again! I was running out of aids. I felt like ‘The birdman of Alcacrash’. It could have been aligned with the U.S. stockmarket…crash…band-aid solution…crash! We landed at midnight at the Kenyan resort of ‘Go Way’ whereupon Bear Grylls loomed up, grabbed the eagle and probably would have eaten it had i not given him my turkey sandwhich. The ‘Go Way’ welcoming comittee was led by, (woman of nine9 take note) a lovely woman like woman of nine, only-wait for it- she had 25 children all sitting on a broken sofa! Her name was Di- actually three of her husbands had already done so! Di told me in perfect Silvestor Stallone English that even though she had 25 children so far she would have had more but the sofa broke-as i pointed out three seconds ago.

Di confided in me as she gently stroked my wounded big bird. She murmured that Wild Turkey was the only form of contraception in Kenya. I had the feeling they were scarce! Suddenly! i had an idea. I rushed over and snatched my half-eaten turkey sandwhich off Bear. I proffered it to the beautiful Di. She lowered her eyes and………..(more tomorrow).

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